


The Linda Method

by Darkfrog24 (Ithil), Ithil



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Comedy, Father-Son Relationship, Siblings, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22279648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Darkfrog24, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithil/pseuds/Ithil
Summary: Amenadiel finally convinces his father to attempt family therapy.  Unfortunately, the only sibling he could convince to participate and the only celestial-aware therapist in L.A. both insisted on inviting Mazikeen.  Spinoff of "A Refraction of Light" by matchstick_dolly.
Relationships: Amenadiel & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), God & Linda Martin (Lucifer TV), God & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Mazikeen & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 137





	1. Definition of Therapy

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Refraction of Light](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17631620) by [matchstick_dolly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/matchstick_dolly/pseuds/matchstick_dolly). 



> Be advised, this is crackfic. Do not use it to evaluate the merits of family therapy in the real world. This work portrays the versions of Lucifer, Amenadiel and God as interpreted by our own matchstick_dolly in _A Refraction of Light_ , which deviates from canon at the end of season three and I understand leans heavily on the comics. You want my interpretation, it's over there in _Perspective_. This 'fic contains spoilers through chapter 52: Ego Death of _Refraction_. That's also why Linda's not out on maternity leave.
> 
> I did have one complication in writing this work. Whenever I found something that I thought m_d might yet choose to use in _Refraction_ , usually a personal revelation or reconciliation, I chucked it. So if you're asking, "Hey, why didn't Lucifer do the obvious thing and just—" it's probably because _I thought so too_.
> 
> Unbetaed. Anyone care to help me fix that?

The scent of scorched carpet fiber wisped up from the floor as Linda spun on her heel to pace back to the other side of her office. Rent per square foot in West Hollywood being what it was, this did not take long. "This was a bad idea," she muttered, turning around again.

From the couch, Lucifer nodded meaningfully at Amenadiel. Over scotch the previous night, big brother had deliberately lost the game of three-way Rock Paper Scissors and won the role of Designated Doc-Wrangler. Since then, he'd shotgunned four separate YouTube videos about active listening and prepped a stash of cupcakes and whiskey in the bottom desk drawer.

Linda shook her head, spinning another one-eighty like a Roomba set to Dig a New Floor, "It's a conflict of interest. I've been Lucifer's therapist for years. I know _all_ his stuff."

"You don't know all his stuff," Maze said into the ceiling.

"Mazikeen, get your boots of my desk," Linda answered without looking left. She exhaled with a shiver, "You say he's suicidal. I really should see him one-on-one first."

"This is the best we can do, Linda," said Amenadiel. "I was barely able to get him to agree to a family therapy session."

"Family therapy?" Mazikeen flipped upright. "I thought we were doing an intervention. You know, where you tell some loser you're taking him to a party, but instead you've convinced all his friends to ambush him and tell him how much he sucks, and someone gets it all on video and they put it on Channel 32 right after _Leave It to Leslie_."

Amenadiel turned on his elbow. "Mazikeen why do you think we'd do something like that?"

"Lucifer—"

Lucifer shot Maze a look.

"—told me!"

"Maze..." Lucifer trailed off. "Isn't it possible you _misunderstood_?"

"You specifically said, 'I want to do an intervention like on that show where you—'" she switched to a British accent "'—ream out some tosser with how much he tosses and film the whole thing for posterity.' But the way I said it was cooler."

"Well yes, I _wanted_ to—" he began.

"This is not that kind of intervention, Maze," said Linda.

Maze frowned. "But it's still basically about humiliating the guy, right?"

Lucifer answered, "Well if we can manage it," just as Linda yelled, " _No!_ "

She scratched one side of her nose. "So ... _is_ anyone supposed to get this on film?"

"No," said Amenadiel.

"Absolutely not!" added Linda.

Maze rolled her shoulders and grabbed a pad of Post-Its off Linda's desk. She walked to the bookshelf and slapped a bright yellow tag across the spine of _Deviant Human Sexuality and the Modern Mind_.

Linda's mouth fell open. "Is that the book you gave me?" She snatched it off the shelf and flipped it open. "Is this a _camera_?"

Maze reached toward the book and pulled out a folded patch of paper, "Yes, and a full set of instructions, which you would have seen if you'd read it like you told me you did."

Linda gulped. "Uh..?"

Amenadiel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Mazikeen? Was that camera in there when Linda and I were still seeing each other?"

"Well why do you think I was so mad at you?" she pulled Amenadiel's hand away from his face, "All the time _we_ were together, I thought you just didn't know _how_ to—"

There was a knock at the door. Linda froze in place. Amenadiel got up to answer it. Lucifer steered Linda toward her usual seat. Maze took out her phone.

"Hello," Amenadiel said near the entryway. "And Gabriel, good to see you. This is actually a family thing, so if you want to stay—"

There was a sound of wings.

"—or not," clipped Lucifer. "Doctor, when we're done here, can we work on Gabby's control issues?"

Amenadiel stepped to the right of the door, and there was a sound of feet against the carpet. Two eyes, gleaming black as the space between the stars looked down at the Dr. Martin where she perched in her office chair.

"Please, sit down," she said, gesturing to the central place on the couch, "and welcome to family therapy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've managed to find a few websites on family therapy, but if anyone knows of a good nonfiction book on the subject, I'd be willing to do some more research.


	2. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The strategic approach to family therapy involves shifting patterns of communication and coalition to allow a specific family member with a defined symptom to improve.

Linda gave herself three seconds to picture the Mona Lisa on Valium. She gave a practiced therapist's smile. "Is there anyone who would like to begin?" Inwardly, her brain churned like a Magic Bullet trying to genetically fuse chard with ice cubes.

_God is sitting on my couch._

_God is sitting on my couch with an angel on one side and the devil on the other. Also, there's a demon eating Doritos out of a bag behind my desk._

_Am I getting smited for having sex with the devil?_

_Oh shit. I had sex with both of them, didn't I? And there's that girl's night with Maze that I don't really remember._

_Family therapy isn't even my specialty. I did one rotation on the Bowenian method, but structural might be better in this case._

_Damn he looks like Lucifer. Except his head does that thing Amenadiel's head does._

"When I first agreed to this session," said Linda, "I asked all three of you to prepare something positive you could say about either of the others. Would anyone like to use that as a starting off point?"

"No," God and Lucifer said at the same time.

"Since this is hardly a typical human family," Linda began, "we're going to try a few things and see which works best. This will take work on everyone's part. Sir—" Linda began. God raised an eyebrow. "—we are here because your sons are concerned about you. Amenadiel tells me you've been sleeping excessively and that you've expressed a desire to die."

The man on the couch gave Amenadiel an sour look. "In the future, son, you can go ahead and assume anything I implant directly into your brain is private. Did it occur to you that I might tell you things that I wouldn't want Samael to know?"

"All right," said Linda, "we have identified a place where communication could be improved. Keeping confidences _does_ require establishing what is said in confidence."

"If it makes you feel better, Father," continued Amenadiel, "I spoke to nearly every other angel before coming to Lucifer—"

Lucifer blinked. "You did?"

"—and not one of them was willing to take this seriously," Amenadiel put his hands on his knees. "Michael, Barachiel, Remiel. They all told me I was overreacting."

Lucifer leaned forward to look at his brother around their father's head, "You mean you even talked to _Zoraphon_ before me?" 

"They all thought I must have been wrong about you wanting to die," Amenadiel said to God. "They didn't think it was possible that the Almighty would give up on the existence he helped create."

"Zorphi's in charge of bees," said Lucifer. "What was she going to do, pollinate him into wanting to live?"

"Lucy, you were busy!" snapped Amenadiel.

"What do you care, Samael?" God said abruptly, turning his back on Amenadiel. "I would think you would be glad to see me gone."

"Won't say the thought didn't inspire a few ideas." Linda watched as he settled like an L.A. pigeon fluffing out its feathers. "But I like Earth and there's a good chance it'll all go to seed if you check out permanently."

"Not to mention what might happen in Heaven," said Amenadiel. "My siblings might wish you spoke to us more, but the fact that you are there at all is preventing another conflict."

"One you couldn't blame me for," Lucifer cut in.

"Amenadiel," Linda prompted gently. "Perhaps now would be a good time."

He nodded. "Charlotte helped me with this one," he said, pulling out a sheaf of paper. "I went around to some of the other angels and asked them to tell me what you mean to them and how much they miss you. I figured I could read you some."

God pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Ah," said Lucifer, starting to rise, "if this is going to include any of Remi's attempts at poetry, I think I'll just step out for a smoke—"

"No," Linda, Maze and Amenadiel said at the same time.

God leveled a finger at Lucifer, "If I have to hear this, you have to hear this."  
.  
.  
.


	3. Individuality

"Father, it's important," said Amenadiel.

"Are you going to pester me until I do?" he asked sourly.

"And he's the one you keep sending to pester me," said Lucifer. "There was a time or two when Hell seemed less annoying."

God grumbled over folded arms. " _Fine_." He looked at Linda. "I promise not to smite you, damn you or otherwise punish you for anything you do or say in your role as a therapist in these sessions." He turned back to Amenadiel. "Are you happy now?"

"Yes. Thank you Father."

"Thank you," added Linda. "Most of my patients don't actually have the power to—"

"One thing," God turned back to Linda, "unless all this turns out to be yet another of Samael's attempts to be a thorn in my side. That being the case, artistically exhausted as I may be, I will husband enough creativity to come up with an appropriate fate just for you, Doctor."

"Father—" Amenadiel cut in as Lucifer exclaimed, "I think you've made your point."

God grumbled and lowered his hands.

"Excellent," said Linda, as calmly as she could muster. "Let's start by outlining some of the goals of family therapy. One," she said, "is to improve communication, reexamine power structures, and strike a healthy balance between togetherness and individuality."

"Pretty sure clipping your kid's wings and hucking him headfirst into a lava pit full of flesh-eating demons means you're full up on togetherness," said a voice from behind the desk.

God leveled his sky-black eyes at Linda. "What is _she_ doing here?" he leveled a finger at the demon busily catching Cheetos in her mouth. "Lilith littered her brood outside the light of creation. This being doesn't even have a soul."

He paused, narrowing his eyes at Maze. "Hang on..."

"Um..." Amenadiel protested.

"Nah, I'm not insulted. It's true," said Maze, twisting toward him. "I'm here because I don't care about you enough to lie."

"And if we didn't let her in, she'd pick the lock," added Lucifer.

"Actually," Linda explained. "Mazikeen is here because she's played a long-term supportive role in Lucifer's life," said Linda. "For the purposes of family therapy, she counts."

"Wait, I do?"

"She does?" Amenadiel and Lucifer said at the same time.

Maze shifted in Linda's desk chair until her feet were on the floor. "Does this mean I get to say whatever I want too?" She smacked both palms on Linda's desk. "That promise thing. I want one."

Lucifer leaned back. "What?"

"Do what he did," she gestured to God. "Promise you won't take revenge for anything I say as long as it's part of the session."

Lucifer looked at Linda, who raised her eyebrows imperceptibly. Behind him, God turned to watch, a skeptical look on his face.

"Fine," he said. "I promise I won't punish you for anything you say as part of—"

"You are _such_ a selfish son of a bitch and I've met your mom so I can say that literally. You never once consulted me in major decisions for Lux, you unilaterally decided to change our vacation here and you _constantly_ take me for granted. Hell, you practically sent me to have sex with your brother to stop him from being annoying!" she sat back heavily, one hand still waved at Amenadiel.

Amenadiel's posture stiffened.

God shook his head. "I'm sure you resisted her wiles admirably, son."

Lucifer snorted. "You _have_ been asleep."

"All right," said Linda, "this would be a good time to return to the idea of a balance between togetherness and individuality. Adult men do not necessarily need to share the details of their sex lives with their father."

God turned on one elbow to face Amenadiel. "What, you slept with _her?_ "

"A little too much sleeping, if you ask me. Couldn't _get_ him to stay awake after he—"

"—and there is such a thing as oversharing," finished Linda.


	4. Dyads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If I could write a paper about this without being committed, I'd have a Nobel the size of a Chrysler," thought Linda.

.  
.  
.

It was like anything else. Get a rhythm going. Find your element. Chloe had said she'd kept sane in Hell by finding a way to be a detective. Linda could keep sane in the presence of the almighty by being a therapist—she hoped.

"There he goes again," said Lucifer, gesturing to Amenadiel. "The minute some musty old scroll tells him he's Dad's favorite, I knew I'd never here the end of—"

Amenadiel passed a hand over his eyes as God sighed audibly.

"Why do you look like Daniel when Axe discontinued his body spray?" Lucifer asked over narrowed eyes.

Amenadiel let out a breath. "It seems that Sumerian scribe was being poetic. The word for 'favorite' is the same as the word for 'first.' God gave the last piece of the sword to his _oldest_ angel."

Lucifer sat back, elbow flush against the arm of Linda's couch. " _Well_ now."

"I do not have a favorite angel," said God.

Linda nodded. "That's good. It's unhealthy for parents to have favorites."

"Yeah, but what was that with the eye?" asked Maze, crunching a corn chip.

"What was what?" asked Linda.

"That extra sauce he put on 'I,'" said Maze, pointing past her own perfectly winged eyeliner. " _I_ do not have a favorite angel."

Lucifer and Amenadiel turned toward their father.

God looked left and right and rubbed his face with one hand. Maze laughed into her bag of chips.

" _Mom_ had a favorite?" asked Amenadiel. " _Who?_ "

God rolled his eyes, "Who do you think?!"

Lucifer watched Amenadiel's left eye twitch and laughed out loud.

.  
.  
.

"Why should my dissatisfaction with creation be so hard for either of you to understand?" said God. "My angels know what hope I had for humanity." His face twisted in disappointment and disgust. "Conventional destruction was not enough. An _atom bomb_ used on the surface of this Earth? On two cities?"

"No human has ever used those weapons since," Amenadiel said gently. "And there was Jonas Salk," Amenadiel listed on his fingers, "the moon landing."

"Justin Beiber," Lucifer cut in.

"—the sequencing of their own genome—"

"The Star Wars prequels."

"—the sheer cooperation required to put the International Space Station in orbit—"

"The film version of _Cats_."

"—the way the scientific community shares both information and credit for its discovery—"

"The online reaction to the film version of _Cats_."

"—the way they band together in the face of _any_ natural disaster—"

"Pretty sure I just said that," said Lucifer

Amenadiel put a hand on his brother's arm. "You do know we _want_ him to live, right?"

"Maybe _you_ do."  
.  
.  
.

"Now can you see how you and Amenadiel are forming a dyad?" asked Linda. "The two of you are banding together on a point on which you agree, in this case that Lucifer is irresponsible, and projecting that role onto him. A minute ago, it was Amenadiel and Lucifer agreeing that you can be distant and authoritarian. When we decide what place someone else has in the family, they often live up—or down—to those expectations."

God raised an eyebrow, "For the first few billion years of his existence, I 'projected Samael a role' of fulfilling his purpose in creation. He literally spat it back at my feet. Perhaps this idea of yours isn't all it's cracked up to be."

Linda breathed in and continued. "Let's explore that. The addition of a third person can actually stabilize a dyad and help the pair strike a balance between distance and unity."

Maze looked up from her phone, "So if I jump in and say, 'yeah, Lucifer's a dumbass,' then God and Amenadiel both stop being jerks?"

Lucifer snorted.

"Not exactly," said Linda. "Either one of them could come to you and discuss their belief—or another feeling—and you would provide an outside perspective."

"My perspective is 'You're right. He's a dumbass.'"

From the corner of her eye, Linda saw Lucifer's eye twitch, but she held up a hand. "Okay, Mazikeen. Build on that."

Maze looked left and right. "Uh, 'you're right. He's a dumbass...'" She breathed in the rest of the way, "...'but it looks like it runs in the family'?"

God's hands closed on the couch cushions.

"In this scenario, either one of them is talking to you alone," said Linda. "Try to use as many of his own words as you can," said Linda.

"Uh... Lucifer is 'irresponsible and self-centered,'" Maze's eyes found Amenadiel, "but he also runs Lux, keeps track of like twenty million deals here on Earth, remembers the hard limits of every single person we ever brought to the penthouse or banged in a Seaworld electrical closet—"

Lucifer's face split into a smile, "Ramona."

"—and oh yeah, he kept me and the rest of the Lillim from going stir-crazy and ripping Hell apart for like six thousand years. So what's the big deal if he dumbs his ass up when he's off the clock?"

Amenadiel leaned back. "Mazikeen, you actually have a point." She saw his eyes cut sideways toward his father, but if the Almighty agreed he didn't show it.

Linda nodded. "All right, so Mazikeen has challenged part of your belief. That doesn't mean you have to give up the entire—"

"Wait I'm not done," said Maze. "Also, how the hell was it responsible when you turned a Hell-starved Malcolm loose on L.A., told him to kill Lucifer, and didn't even watch him enough to make sure he actually did it?"

God looked at Amenadiel. "You did what?"

Lucifer smirked, "And _that's_ why she's here."  
.  
.  
.

"One thing we can do in family therapy is imagine other motives behind the actions other people have performed toward us," said Linda. "Even we aren't right, it can sometimes help us to see past our own habits and put the past in perspective. Sometimes our loved ones realize they had additional reasons that they did not know were there."

Amenadiel looked from his father and brother and back, "So," he led a little too obviously, "when Lucifer got me in the face with that solar flare, perhaps he was... umm..."

"Testing an early version of the glycolic peel?" Lucifer scoffed. "I thought it was funny. That was all there was to it. And by this reasoning, when dear old Dad kept sending Amenadiel and Michael to throw me back into Hell, that was because he thought I needed a spa day?" He snorted. "He was just getting off on punishing me."

"He's right. I was punishing him," said God. "He's not supposed to meddle on Earth."

Linda sat back. "How does he keep getting to Earth?"

Lucifer shrugged his shoulders in a way that suggested wings. "I can travel between Hell and Earth, just not much of anywhere else. Party in the Crab Nebula? Invited or not, I have to pass. Also can't fly high enough to create any new stars, at least not without the Detective there to tap me like a celestial keg."

She turned back to the glowering Almighty. There was something here. She could feel it like a bee buzzing just out of sight. All the dancing around, all the coaxing out clues. Linda no longer wondered why Lucifer kept coming back to her and to Chloe. He liked detectives.

"So when you initially condemned Lucifer to Hell, you didn't take away his ability to leave," she observed. 

Lucifer's posture stiffened. "Doctor, please do not give him any nifty ideas."

Linda kept her voice measured. "Did you anticipate that he would he'd keep coming back?"

The man on the couch folded his arms. "What are we supposed to accomplish here again?"

"We're attempting to expose the motives we have for the way we behave toward each other. Once we find out why we do things, we may find healthier ways to achieve the same goals."

Amenadiel held up a hand, "It can seem silly at first, but Doctor Martin is actually quite skilled, I assure you."

"I said I'd give this a try, didn't I?" he turned back. "All right, yes, I could have rendered Samael incapable of reaching Earth. What of it?"

"Would you like to tell us why you didn't?"

God got quiet. Then he looked directly at Lucifer.

"Father," said Amenadiel. "Is Linda right? Did you _want_ him to come to Earth?"

The man made a noncommittal sound, but his eyes seemed shadowed.

Lucifer's mouth drifted open, like someone shifting the last pieces of a jigsaw. "Because if I stopped showing up for the odd weekend on the Babylonian Riviera," he said slowly, "you'd know something down there had finally offed me, which meant something had become strong enough to pose a threat." He gave a little laugh. "Canary in the coal mine. Is that why you let me keep my feathers, Father?"

"I did want to know whether you continued to exist."

Linda breathed carefully. Admitting to an emotion could feel like showing weakness, especially in families that had already seen hostility.

"Mother said you wanted to destroy me," Lucifer said.

God gave a snort. "I didn't unmake the creatures when _they_ rebelled, and they weren't—"

"Weren't wh—?" Amenadiel stopped as Linda held up a hand.

It was hard. It was hard to lead someone right to the edge and then wait for them to step over on their own.

Lucifer gave a snort and turned away.

.  
.  
.

God folded his arms, "Doctor, I'm not confident that this role projection idea carries much weight. Samael was irresponsible long before he turned his back on his purpose—" His star-black eyes narrowed at Lucifer with a look Linda would sure would have reverted her to primordial goo. "—he was constantly playing foolish tricks on his older brothers while they were at their tasks."

Amenadiel cleared his throat. "In fairness, Father, Azrael, Remiel many of the others also played their tricks on me without relent. None of them got as much censure as he did," he nodded at Lucifer. "And don't say you expected better from Lucifer because we both know how much you trusted Rayray."

Linda nodded. "This could be a good opportunity to discuss the relationships among your brothers and sisters, even though only two of you could be here today. Would you say playing tricks was one way you and your siblings all related to each other?"

"Absolutely," Amenadiel nodded. "I even tried my hand at it myself a time or two."

"And gave it up as the foolishness it is," added the man on the couch.

"That's because a good prank punches _up_ , Dad," Lucifer cut in. "You made Amenadiel and Michael more powerful than the rest of us. That made them fair game." He sat back against the couch. "I pranked Amenadiel so his royal no-neckness would never presume to think I was afraid of him." A shadow passed over his face, "Uriel targeted me for the same reason. Amenadiel found no joy in tricks because there's no challenge in making a fool of someone less powerful than yourself. That's why whenever you play your _games_ —"

"Lucifer," Linda said gently.

Lucifer rounded on her. "It's a nicer word than the one I wanted!"

Maze's chair moved against the floor. "What kind of thing counts as a prank up in Chromeville?"

"Ah," Amenadiel scratched his head. "There was the time Lucifer had me convinced the cyanobacteria knew what I was saying, the time Azrael replaced all of Gabby's sandalstraps with... well I guess you don't have that kind of plant here, but it itches a great deal. Generally rigging things to explode when I got close to them—"

Maze leaned forward, "What about stealing stuff?"

"Yes," Amenadiel nodded. "Remiel had a collection of spearheads. One time Uri hid them near Lucifer's workstation and she gave him a good drubbing."

Maze rubbed two fingers across her chin and turned to Lucifer. "So you prank a guy when you need to prove to yourself you're not afraid of him?"

"I suppose," said Lucifer.

Maze's grin widened like a shark. Then her body convulsed like she'd been electrocuted and she doubled over in a big, snorting laugh.

God looked at the demon, then his older son. "What am I missing?" he asked.

"Couldn't tell you," mused Lucifer, staring at the breathless Maze.

"So—" Mazikeen asked Linda, "if there's someone _else_ Lucifer plays tricks on..? That means what?"

Linda frowned. Did Lucifer like to prank Mazikeen? Lucifer was sitting forward, one leg crossed over the other, frowning as if he were trying to make out a distant roadsign and wasn't sure it didn't say, "go back, stupid!"

"It could mean he misses spending time with his siblings," Linda tried. She already knew Maze was his surrogate family, "or it could mean he feels a sense of camaraderie with that person or—"

"No no no no no no no," Maze sat up straight for the first time and pointed at Lucifer, "He _just_ said he does it when he's intimidated." Maze reached into her back pocket and soon her thumb was swiping across her smartphone.

"Who is she talking about?" asked God as Maze swiped across the screen of her smartphone.

The device buzzed softly. " _You have reached the voicemail of Detective Dan Espinosa. Leave me a message..._

Lucifer jumped to his feet, "NO," he insisted, throwing himself across the room. "No, Mazikeen put that phone down. Doctor, tell her there's no phones in therapy!"

She was already snuffling into the receiver. "It's Maze. _Call me back._ "

Lucifer scrambled over the desk, snatching toward Maze's phone as she slipped out of the way.

Linda breathed in. "All right. This is the part where I talk about confidentiality."  
.  
.  
.

"We're nearing the end of our time here. I hope you've decided to come back for another session, with any of your children who might wish to join us."

"Please consider it," said Amenadiel.

God shook his head. "What do you care if I choose to sleep for thirty-nine years? After so many millennia of work, I think I deserve to rest if I like. It's not even so long a time."

"Father, we needed your guidance and—"

The electric crunch of a corn chip interrupted Amenadiel's voice. "You missed the blank check," said Maze.

God turned around, "What demon nonsense is this?"

Maze twisted to lean her elbows on Linda's desk, "When Chloe was in danger," she traced a finger in the air, "Lucifer said if you protected her, he'd give you whatever you wanted. Dumbass didn't put any limits."

God looked at Lucifer. "You did?"

"Now do you believe I actually _like_ her?" answered Lucifer.

"Your boy here offered to just go back to Hell and be a good little angel," said Maze, "but I guess you _could_ have asked for pretty much anything." God's hands began to clench on the couch cushions. "You could have had him wade through the sludge at the bottom of the ocean. Spend a hundred years working at an inner-city daycare—"

"Stop that, Mazikeen, no nifty ideas for the almighty," Lucifer cut in.

"—wear only thrift-store polyester for all eternity—"

" _Maze!_ "

"—which might have been fun once they stopped making it. Hell, you could have marched him back to heaven and made him _apologize_ in front of all the little feather-freaks." 

There was a noise outside like an auditorium full of Taiko drummers who'd just discovered meth.

"And since Chloe's in this big plan of yours, it sounds like you would have saved her life anyway," Mazikeen went on, "so there would _also_ be the look on his face when you told him he made the trade for nothing. You. Missed it."

A loud crack outside followed by a flash of light.

"Father? Father!" Amenadiel shook God's arm. "Is the thunderstorm really necessary?"

"You've been off your feet too long, Brother. _That_ was an earthquake."

The air inside Linda's office seemed to sizzle, vibrate with a primordial energy, and not only the air outside Linda's lungs. The incandescence of Ishtar's being had managed to break out of her body and break out into the world, but this time the breaking _was_ the world.

Over the din inside her nervous system, she could perceive Amenadiel trying to calm his father down, Lucifer motioning to Maze, feel two hands on her arms, pulling her away.

"Do _not_ damage my therapist!"

"Father, remember your promise!"

"Floods and plagues are more Mom's thing anyway!"

The world couldn't go black, not in the presence. But the white could be just as blinding.

" _Sir_." It was a voice. It came from Linda's throat. "Sir, I do not permit patients to harm each other in session. Sir, you must stop."

The vibration of the world seemed to hover, like a basketball on the ring. There was no forcing the almighty, but there was also no tricking the almighty. But you could show him what you wanted, lead him right up to that edge.

She had a sense more than a sight of a being with eyes narrowed in thought, above something she could have mistaken for a pounding heart in anything organic.

And in a silence as golden as any stream of music, the universe failed to end.  
.  
.  
.

_"This is PRX news covering Los Angeles and the highly irregular events reported downtown. People are reporting everything from lightning strikes to low-level earthquakes to housepets suddenly speaking perfect English, though expressions of love for their masters _are_ outnumbered by pledges of enmity to the vacuum cleaner..."_ Linda got up and turned down the radio, carefully stepping over Maze, who was flat on her back behind the desk.

"All right," said Linda breathing out. Her ears rang and rang, albeit with a gold-pure tone that was somehow every favorite song she'd ever heard. "While I encourage my patients to find catharsis, I usually recommend a boxing studio and a regulation punching bag."

"Yes, a punching bag," Lucifer snapped at his father, "those things that look _nothing at all_ like either a tectonic plate _or_ an oncoming low-pressure system!"

"Father, I hope you're proud of yourself," said Amenadiel.

God inclined his chin at the radio, which flicked back on. 

_"Scientists from UCLA say the rain of frogs contained exclusively threatened and endangered species native to nearby Point Mugu—"_

"Little bit," said God.

"...I kind of am too..." Maze's voice wavered up from the carpet. "...my mom's going to be ...so jealous ....worth ...the headache..."

_"—and swarms of flies near Long Beach have broken up the annual Young Republicans convention."_

"I must admit that one is nice," said Lucifer. "But now that you've had your little tantrum—"

God shot him a look.

"—would you _kindly_ answer the good doctor's question? Some of us have recently decatabized girlfriends that we'd very much like to get back to."

"Oh, so you and Chloe made it official?" asked Amenadiel.

"Ah..."

"Ha!" Mazikeen pried herself to a sitting position. "He's got the balls to bring her back from the underworld, but they scrote all the way up to his neck when he tries to ask her to move in."

"I— you—" Lucifer flustered.

Maze flopped back to the floor. "You never clear your browser history and have way obvious passwords. Also finding real estate online is a scam. I used it in at least three loops."

God twisted toward Lucifer then shook his head and looked at Linda. "Don't think _you've_ changed my mind about anything."

Linda gave her professional smile.

_If I could write a paper about this without getting committed, I'd have a Nobel the size of a Chrysler,_ she thought.

"But a point has been made. My creations are unpredictable, and they still have the capacity to surprise me."

"Can you tell your sons that you won't try to end your life, at least for a while?"

God looked at Amenadiel. "You've brought your father insight, boy. Not many can say that."

Amenadiel looked at Lucifer and back.

"Yes, and him too," God admitted without turning around. "Infuriation is nearly the same thing."

"I'm pretty sure I did most of the work, you ingrates," muttered Mazikeen.

God got to his feet. "We should be getting back before Gabriel gets it in his head to change the filing system again."

Lucifer watched as God and Amenadiel headed for the door. "Perhaps that wasn't a complete waste of time," he allowed.

Linda exhaled a breath she'd forgotten not to hold. "Well—"

"...someone help ...me get up..."

Linda moved toward Mazikeen and wrapped both hands around her wrist. "Your father says you can still surprise him."

Lucifer frowned, watching Linda pull at a completely inert demon. "What do you mean?"

"His creations—"

"Oh!" Sorry to interrupt." Lucifer shook his head. "He doesn't call us that."

"Hm?" Linda managed to get her shoulder underneath Maze's armpit.

"Angels. He doesn't call us his creations." Lucifer leaned forward. "Not _angels_."

Linda's mind loosened, just a little. Maze flopped back to the floor.

"...ow..."

Lucifer sighed and slipped an arm under each of Mazikeen's shoulders. "I'll take her back to Lux. A stiff drink would do her good."

Linda swallowed a suddenly dry mouth. "I think I could use one myself."


End file.
